How to get over your fear of missing out.

by Candice DeVille | Aug 27, 2015 | Self

The beginning of Spring brings with it the beginning of party season, and that awful fear – the fear of missing out.

Dealing with the fear of missing out (FOMO) can be a real problem. The more we see of our friends on social media, out hitting the town while we’re left behind, the more it seems to induce all kinds of paranoia. Maybe you’re at home because you’re studying, your wallet is a bit too light or you’ve chosen to spend your Friday night on the sofa with the kids.

It can happen when there’s a cool conference we’ve wanted to go to, or just a simple weekend BBQ, FOMO can raise it’s head without warning.

Even when we actively choose to do something else, there can be a nagging feeling that cool stuff is happening and we’re not there.

So how can you tame this beast and get over the fear of missing out?

Despite marketing tactics to the contrary, not everything is a must see must do, moment.  What is it that you’re racing towards?

Simply telling you to stop feeling like this isn’t going to help anyone. Instead, you need a concrete action plan that will help you get the good stuff and none of the anxiety that goes with it. Here’s some of the tricks that I’ve found useful.

• Value where you are. 

At the heart of FOMO, is the assumption that where you are not, is better than where you are. It’s a vicious cycle when you consider the ridiculous nature of the concept.

There is always something happening, somewhere, and it becomes impossible to truly enjoy the experience you’re in when all your mental energy is spent constructing the ‘what if’s’ and imagined scenarios of where you aren’t.

So much time and emotional energy is spent pining away for what we don’t have, we neglect to nourish what we do.

• Enjoy the perspective of distance.

I simply love this quote from Alexa Chung;

“If anyone’s Tweeting that they’re like, “Oh, I’m having the best time at this party!” know that they’re standing in the corner of a party, tweeting.”

• If you wanted to go that conference but can’t make it, determine why you would like to be there or what you think you could gain from the event. How else can you gain a similar benefit?

Break down your event goals into a few dot points. Did you want to meet people, make connections, learn a skill, be inspired, have fun? Understanding what you feel you’ll gain from such an event helps you to determine which emotions and what kind of drive is coming into play for you.

Maybe you feel the need to be ‘seen’, perhaps you think what you learn will give you ‘the edge’. Whatever drives you is important to acknowledge, then you can determine how to achieve a similar benefit even when you can’t be physically there.

• Set aside specific time to check in on social or follow the event hashtag.

It’s all about control. Do you control the information or does it control you? Sure, there might be lots of valuable information /contacts / friends that you could make at this event, but scheduling time to “meet” them is super important.

Think of it this way. If you were to host a meet and greet cocktail party to make these connections, would you schedule that time into your calendar or would you make it an open house event from the moment you wake up to the moment you close your eyes?

By constantly checking in on an event hashtag, social feed or (worse), having all these set as push notifications, you’re doing exactly that.

Instead, schedule a window of time where you can interact directly with the social feed, learn more, make notes, swap details and then say goodnight.

• Be present where you are.

When you’re mindful of the moment you’re in, its value (or lack of) becomes clear. For example, just kicking back and watching trash tv can be a total waste of time, something that is simply mind numbing and killing off the hours before bed.

Conversely, this same activity, done mindfully, can be an excellent way to relax and unwind. It can be the comfort at the end of a frenetic day, cuddled up with your dog / cat and a hot chocolate.

When you are present in that moment you have the ability to enjoy just how wonderful and luxurious it is to have the time and the comfortable place to do that.

Now stop watching, waiting and get out there and do something yourself; or don’t.

Remember the key to getting your FOMO under control is realising that your time is your own and how you actively choose to spend it is your decision.

Don’t let fear of missing out be the thief you keep inviting in.

How to Improve your Self Esteem in 4 Easy Steps

by Candice DeVille | Aug 5, 2015 | Self

I was Cat Called and I liked it.

It began like any other Monday, fighting with the snooze button and responsibility. I dragged myself out from the warmth of my flanelette sheets and headed for the bathroom. A quick morning ritual of coffee, lipstick and a once over in the mirror. Nothing too fancy, just a pair of black swing pants and a cardi, cats eye glasses and a red scarf at my neck. I grabbed my handbag and headed up the road to the trams stop, fighting the chill in the morning air. Then I hear “Hey!! Hey honey!” and my head spins around to see who’s shouting in the traffic. Windows down and a huge grin on her face, a lady waves at me, “Honey, you look fantastic!” “Thanks so much!” I call, waving back to her. The smile is contagious.

As I continued walking to the tram I made a mental note to write about this happening; how unusual and fabulous it was. How on a cold Monday morning this one simple act gave me a brilliant boost of self esteem that warmed me for the rest of the day.

There have been many articles doing the rounds of late talking about the negativity and objectivity of cat calling, and I certainly see their point. But it also makes me think how gun shy we’ve become in giving (and graciously receiving) compliments. Now, hanging out the window at the traffic lights and verbally high-fiving some one for their choice in shoes may not be your style, but there’s sure to be one that is.

The more we think about complimenting people in our day, the more aware we become; looking for opportunities to lift someone up and give them their dues. There are so many opportunities that present themselves to us each day, not just an outfit that catches our eye, but actions, words and other talents that could do with some kudos.

Oddly, it seems that the more we’ve come the rely on social media as a means of communicating with each other, the more the art of the real world compliment has died. It’s become to easy to “Like”, to comment ” Fabulous”, much of the sincerity has been lost. The effort to notice and make contact with another human being to deliberately lift them up, is worth it’s weight in gold.

As I continued my walk I was deep in thought, deconstructing which simple practises I use every day to boost my own sense of self confidence.

Here is my very simple plan to improving your self esteem; immediately!

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Yep, no Facebook or Twitter compliments count here. No “Like” buttons either. Only the real world, face to face exchange that comes with being aware of your interactions and surroundings. Tell your Barrista how much you appreciate their coffee art skills, compliment a co-worker on their great idea or the chap in the park on his choice of tweed walking cap. It’s all about being in the moment, feeling it and the law of reciprocity. You can’t help but feel better about yourself when you have lovely things to say to other people.

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Comparison to others is the enemy of a healthy self esteem. The more we sit on social media, comparing our real lives to other’s edited versions of their own, the more dents we put in our self esteem. But sometimes, there is an honesty in putting ourselves out there with others, that helps to break down our mental barriers.

When it comes to body image and putting things into perspective, I’ve found no better remedy than hitting up a burlesque class and revelling in the glory of other women in all shapes and sizes. It pays to ensure that whatever class you’re planning to attend is at your skill level, but outside of that there are so many options for this kind of experience, you just have to look. It might be belly dancing, tap classes or if you’re game, even a visit to a life drawing class. As women we are particularly cruel to ourselves and our bodies, forgetting that they are the only ones we have. There is nothing quite so normalising, and simultaneously self esteem boosting, as filling your visual landscape with other real, fabulous women having a blast, instead of hyper produced glossy pages of fantasy.

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A win is a win, no matter how small. Teaching yourself to celebrate the little wins you have encourages you to think more positively about your goals, your abilities and ultimately, your self worth. Sure, we all have big goals on our plates, big projects to attend to and huge To Do lists that look like they’ll never end. Taking the time to break down the big scary stuff into smaller pieces, then patting yourself on the back when you’ve done them, is hugely helpful. For some, especially suffers of chronic illness, something as seemingly small as getting out of bed in the morning is a great achievement. Through recognition and celebration (yes you deserve to bust out the good coffee this morning), you are making a great investment in your mental health bank.

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None of us are born “perfect”. We’re learning to become our best selves every day, and being wrong is all a part of that process. Fear of failure, fearing not getting it right, or thinking we’ll be perceived as stupid, is a crippling way to live. Sometimes this works its way out in the little things, like being too afraid to wear red lipstick for fear of getting the shade wrong, and missing out on that joy altogether. Sometimes it’s bigger things that stop us from achieving our goals, hobbling us before we’ve even begun.

Being wrong or “failing”, is your friend. Quite often our idea of wrong is subjective, playing into the rules that others seem to set for us. When you see achievements made by people you think of as brave, outlandish or daring, these things all came about from the peace they have with being “wrong”. Start small and train yourself to see what you’ve learnt along the way. It may be as simple as having a few friends for dinner when you’ve never really hosted, or it may be putting a pitch to a new client.

Seeing success for what it is, a string of lessons learnt then acted upon to find improvement; does wonders for your self esteem.

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I’m always working on the way I talk to myself. Owning my thoughts, and then the actions that come from them, is a constant process we need to be aware of in order to effect the positive change we want to see in our lives. There are all kinds of things I’ve realised I have very little confidence in and I’m actively applying these techniques to see real improvement.

The gift of good self esteem is one only you can give yourself.

Xx